From one week to the next…..

Hey guys hope your all good and keeping strong I’m sorry to say that this week has been the worst iv had for ages, I’m sick to death of worrying about my health this week it probably seems worse because iv not done it for ages. Its crazy how it sneaks back in and before you know it your doing all wrong again. Im sick of worrying about my brain this week iv really been going through the mill with it, brain tumour iv been thinking about and its need to stop. Iv really seen it in my work this week iv been forgetting everything and its pissing me off, iv done so well since i started. Im still loving it but its so hard to work when your minds on other stuff. Iv been thinning about things to much this week like will i ever be able to truly enjoy myself again? will i work out what i need to do with my life? will i ever go out on a night out again and enjoy myself?

One thing i do know just from reading back what i just said is them questions I’m asking myself are all from a negaitve perspective and badgering a negative answer!! My brains been overworking all week on the wrong things and iv not slept more than 3 hours a night so a bad mix all round. Iv been getting up late feeling like shit all week at work and then squash at night has been shit due to this. Its mad how it only takes one thing to knock on to the next and it happens all day till you go bed, this my friends is the power of attraction but the bad side just like positive attracts positive, negative also attracts negative. This week can go and suck eggs and next week can’t come quick enough.

Iv mentioned this recently but iv not been eating properly and i know i don’t drink enough so I’m sure thats playing a massive part in the feeling crap as well, really need to start looking after myself better i do the exercise but the eating need to improve. Along side he brain worries iv also been worrying about the constant stomach pain i have and it doing my head in. I ran out tablets 2 days ago and iv just got them tonight which also makes me think how long will i be on these mind bending things? All in all its been a negative week but I’m sure everyone gets them its just tough when you get at yourself like we do. Ah well up and out with the dogs in the morning bit of fresh air always helps me.Keep strong guys chin up keep going 🙂

After the whirlwind few weeks comes the drop back to reality…..

So i sit here writing my blog tonight not even half as enthusiastic about life as i have been the last few weeks, iv sat in all bank holiday weekend thinking about the wrong things and its made me realise how infected my silly little brain is with heath worry. I don’t need to tell you the past few weeks have been fantastic and i feel quite a bit away from that again now. Lets get to the truth first iv been in drinking and watching tv got to be two of the worst things i could do to keep me in the house all weekend!! Its quite crazy how quick things can change but on the flip side of that it can change back just as fast, well thats what I’m thinking. Iv been in most of the weekend and sitting around a lot now i know this is not good for me with tension and stiffness, iv had bones cracking all over the show, shoulders and back are killing, Iv been worrying about the lumps on my head again and a new thing this weekend iv been worrying about dehidration because know i don’t drink enough with all the sweating i do, then that led on to nutrition and not eating right blah blah blah…

How i feel today is shit and i can’t wait to go to bed and wake up to a new day tomorrow, Sunday nights iv dreaded since iv been ill and not working because i always got feeling that everyone will be off to work and il be sat here again on my own again. All i wanted was to be normal and do what everyone else did and its strange how without even thinking about it that came back. Suppose its like other stuff in life, when your looking you never find and things just pop up when unexpected. When i used to feel like this on a Sunday night the very thought of it would be enough to make me shit my pants and back in the negative cycle i went, now one thing that has changed and i feel this very strongly in myself is that at this point i now i no longer shit my pants(sorry for the swearing)but i have the really strong urge to try even harder to get back to reality!!! Don’t ask because i don’t know what changed it just did i have to be honest. Power of attraction people!!

Im going to keep it short and sweet tonight because i don’t want to get to down on myself before the start of a fantastic fresh new week were i will learn lots of new stuff and continue to power my recovery forward. Thoughts become things!! thats one thing iv learned over the bad times so that last sentence is what i shall be repeating to myself 10 times before i go bed tonight.

hope you all had a great weekend keep strong people!!!

The new Sunday night routine…..

Hey guys I’m back for the Sunday showdown and getting ready for the Monday blues kicking in, iv always struggled at this time of week because its time to forget the past week and plan for the next, i know plan for the next week seems like the hardest thing when your right in the middle of your bad spell but you can do it its just lots of effort that you feel you just don’t have! Now to be honest i don’t know how i found the effort after nearly 7 bad years but i think i just got the point of no return, i truly felt that if i didn’t do it now i never would again maybe that was helpful for the motivation not sure. But I’m living proof you can make some kind of recovery. Now i tell myself that i may as well go to work tomorrow rather than sit in my house worrying about the next thing, i don’t feel like going to work some days but i make myself because when i get there i feel part of something, a team that works hard and gets things done. Thats one of the main things you lose when this shitty illness takes over, the ability to communicate and be with others and believe me i know how it feels. I felt like id be on my own forever and I’m only 35, it just feels good to be part of something again.

Iv got the biggest challenge iv had for 7 years coming up on Friday this week, I’m going away for the first time since the whirlwind hit me, I’m going from friday till sunday so for 2 nights this shits massive!!!! I feel like I’m breaking barriers every day at the minute and hope things are not moving to fast but iv got to get my life back now, although I’m going with one of my best mates of 20 years who is my boss so that takes a lot of the pressure away, iv been really lucky in this new job its fantastic working for two good friends i love it!! Anyway with work iv got to go to a massive show and stay on a stand all day and make sure the machines run smoothly while 1000s of people pass through. Wow if you told me i would be doing this only a month or two ago it would have been a straight no, but weirdly I’m looking forward it don’t get me wrong I’m apprehensive but it can’t get much worse than the last few years!

Right now for a little bit of the negative stuff thats still happening to me because i don’t want you all thinking its just disappeared thats not the case! Infact i know its very much still there ready to resurface when I’m not expecting it. Iv learned that if i do expect it to come at some point in the future then I’m ready at all times but its a double edged sword really because how will i ever get better if I’m not ready to forget about it, this is one of the main problems in my head at the minute! right the physical stuff which I’m sure your all waiting to hear about(don’t worry i was the same)

Iv been getting really fuzzy in my head and keep getting little lumps on my head, now i would have been thinking about brain tumours and all sorts of stuff when i was at my worst but iv managed to keep this at bay for now! Iv also been worrying about a sore in my mouth thats been there a few weeks but i do do weird stuff with anxiety, teeth clenching,over swallowing and this does play a big part in it. Iv had and still got a pain bottom right side of my back thats been there for weeks but i do play lots of sport and think dehydration has a big part in all this as well. Iv been watching what I’m eating for the last couple of months and with burning a lot of cals iv prob not been eating as much as i should. The last complaint would be my back at the bottom is really bad at the minute some time i can’t even bend down its that bad. Right people here is the most important part of tonights post.

If i was right in the middle of my illness all this whats going on in my life would be far to much for me to deal with but the thing i decided to change was saying yes to opportunity!! Instead of being scared of everything i decided to start facing the world again and it was and still is a crazy transition from where iv been. At my very worst i thought i was no use on this earth no more to anyone and its the illness that does that to you, i never used to believe that at the time but it really is.Right its time for me to sign off for the night so take it easy and don’t get at yourself to much its helps no one.

KEEP GOING THINGS WILL GET BETTER!!!!

First post of 2015 and its positive………..

Hey bloggers iv had a good break away from my blog a lot has been happening over the last couple of months but I’m really glad to say that I’m still in good spirits. Since last time i posted listen to this, iv got a new job iv been promoted in the squash league and I’m going out on a date in the next couple of weeks, crazy i know after the last 6 months but its true. Its all a little much to take in at the minute but i hung in there and kept trying and its payed off. Right lets get right back in at the deep end and to the topic were all interested in the health anxiety, well i don’t like saying it but since iv been filling my time with more and more it feels like its been keeping it at bay. At the min I’m having a massive issue with my bones cracking and feeling stiff all the time and that dreaded lump in the throat that never goes(it was the first thing to appear all them years ago and iv got a feeling it will be the last to go if ever)but life could be worse!

 

The problem is still very much there trust me, I know this but iv also started to feel good about some stuff as well which is really good. Its hard to accept that your feeling a little better because of all the times iv fallen at the first hurdle, But if I’m going to crack this shit iv got to go through this period. IfI’m honest its feeling out of your comfort zone that is hard but I’m taking it in my side one step at a time. I keep trying to think of all the things iv learned over the 7 years iv been ill to help me, christ 7 years is a long time its a lot to remember stuff when you’ve been so numb. One of my main problems is i always get at myself and iv never thought much of myself especially the last years. There is a million and one things to think about but strangely health has been put back down the list. Now I’m not sure how iv done this but iv not give in and iv kept trying and believing this day will come and it feels like its coming.

A wise man once told me you can drive 10 hours through the night and cover hundreds of miles but only being able to see 20 yards in front of you with head lights, Now iv never forget this all the time iv been ill. Its so0ooooo true as well, If you have a goal and you keep your eyes on it you don’t always know how your going to get there but you do know your going to get there. This very concept has played a massive part in me getting to this point. Iv always believed I’m going to get better but believe me i didn’t know how i was going to get there, infact i still don’t :). All I’m saying is i feel I’m going in the right direction.

So back to the blog i come, My porthole to let the world learn from life and you know it makes me feel good the fact that just one person may be helped then its all worth it. Im going to blog everyday now for the next month and lets see where i can be by then. Glad to back 🙂

 

Wednesday and I’m feeling good still…

Well we have got to Wednesday and I’m still in the positive mood i started the week in and it feels great just to be able to make sense of my own mind for the first time in what seems ages! Im hoping that i can just add to it every day no matter how small a thing as long as its positive. Iv got my first league game on Saturday morning and its looking good, iv already beat 2 guys in the league above me 6-1 and 7-1 so I’m hoping to do well season. Its been really good entering this squash league already because it has made me think about the future already and goals are being set. There is one person in blue right at the top of the league and i will NOT be happy till my name is there, my eyes are on the prize!!

Its really helped with taking my mind off the health worries this new squash league i hope things keep going the way they are at the minute even if its only a tiny bit every day!Im of to bed now I’m playing at 8.20 in the morning 🙂