Things got better but that blip of self doubt nearly got me………

Its been a funny old week but iv been in work and smashed it all week, the two new lads started and the lad working with me is quite good to be honest. After that little bit of self doubt last week i decided to keep my mouth shut and prove why I’m there!! and this is exactly what iv done, I’m even working at the weekend on a show thats local. I sat and thought for a while and realised that the best thing to do was just show them how good i am it rather than tell them. I will be honest and tell you that little bit of self doubt last week nearly sent me backwards i could feel that horrible little seed trying to poke through again but iv managed to stop it. A year ago it would have done a lot more to me but i really do feel iv grown as a person and that I’m learning once more to deal with life ups and downs.

Dinner time on Tuesday the boss made us sit down and have dinner with the new lads and asked to tell one tale about our time 3d printing so we all went round and come to me last and i was proud to stand up and tell them about how ill iv been and how far iv come on the last 6 months. I made sure i told them how bad i was and how if you never give you too can do the same and it felt great. I would never have done that again i thought but i was really proud of myself, bit gay but it felt good.

Im not going to write to much tonight but I’m going to leave you with a question we ask people at work in the interview for any job we put out please give me your 3 answers in a comment and think hard its not easy….If you could be stuck on a cloud with any 3 people in the world who, and why.?

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That little bit of self-doubt is ten times worse with a health anxiety…

Hey guys not posted for ages but found a cheeky hour to sit and post now. Life has been going well for the last couple of months not without its ups and downs lets say but not to bad. The health anxiety stuff got pretty heavy again for about 2 weeks but iv managed to claw myself back! Although this weekend iv had a massive blip of self doubt and its really thrown me, it only takes a little bit of self doubt in this world when health anxiety is the problem and it soon gets worse. Iv been working really hard recently and feel like works been my life, i work for two of my best mates and the others i get on with really well to. My boss has arranged a trip to Amsterdam to show the team the new site of our suppliers and he has invited all the team but not me!! Its not the fact i want to go on the trip but its made me feel outcast from the team iv been working part of for 6 months, that little glimmer of self doubt has sent me insane, iv been thinking all sorts of stuff because of it

-Do they not think I’m working hard enough

-Im sure they don’t see me as pert of the team now

-Im now going to not enjoy the job as i have been

That self doubt has got a lot to answer for but only i can sort it out. I need to get up tomorrow and start the new day as just that! We have got two new recruits to the team starting this week from the local college so i need to get my game face back on. Now my job really does start to ask more of me from this week which is good but i need to get my head back in the game. I just hope i don’t go to work this week feeling like i do now because if you don’t feel part of the team then its hard work.

Right a little more on the health anxiety front, the last 6  months have been going at super speed in terms of smashing barriers and getting my life back and the recovery but stuff is starting to slip back into my head. Now iv not give my health any thought over the last months and I’m thinking this is a massive part of thing slipping back in, as of this Monday health is going to become my number one and work number two because thats just the way its got to be. Its so hard at the minute to find that balance but iv got to to keep going forward. When i think about where i was in life when i started this blog and how far iv come to get to today its amazing and makes me feel great but i need to not forget about the health anxiety!!

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From one week to the next…..

Hey guys hope your all good and keeping strong I’m sorry to say that this week has been the worst iv had for ages, I’m sick to death of worrying about my health this week it probably seems worse because iv not done it for ages. Its crazy how it sneaks back in and before you know it your doing all wrong again. Im sick of worrying about my brain this week iv really been going through the mill with it, brain tumour iv been thinking about and its need to stop. Iv really seen it in my work this week iv been forgetting everything and its pissing me off, iv done so well since i started. Im still loving it but its so hard to work when your minds on other stuff. Iv been thinning about things to much this week like will i ever be able to truly enjoy myself again? will i work out what i need to do with my life? will i ever go out on a night out again and enjoy myself?

One thing i do know just from reading back what i just said is them questions I’m asking myself are all from a negaitve perspective and badgering a negative answer!! My brains been overworking all week on the wrong things and iv not slept more than 3 hours a night so a bad mix all round. Iv been getting up late feeling like shit all week at work and then squash at night has been shit due to this. Its mad how it only takes one thing to knock on to the next and it happens all day till you go bed, this my friends is the power of attraction but the bad side just like positive attracts positive, negative also attracts negative. This week can go and suck eggs and next week can’t come quick enough.

Iv mentioned this recently but iv not been eating properly and i know i don’t drink enough so I’m sure thats playing a massive part in the feeling crap as well, really need to start looking after myself better i do the exercise but the eating need to improve. Along side he brain worries iv also been worrying about the constant stomach pain i have and it doing my head in. I ran out tablets 2 days ago and iv just got them tonight which also makes me think how long will i be on these mind bending things? All in all its been a negative week but I’m sure everyone gets them its just tough when you get at yourself like we do. Ah well up and out with the dogs in the morning bit of fresh air always helps me.Keep strong guys chin up keep going 🙂

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After the whirlwind few weeks comes the drop back to reality…..

So i sit here writing my blog tonight not even half as enthusiastic about life as i have been the last few weeks, iv sat in all bank holiday weekend thinking about the wrong things and its made me realise how infected my silly little brain is with heath worry. I don’t need to tell you the past few weeks have been fantastic and i feel quite a bit away from that again now. Lets get to the truth first iv been in drinking and watching tv got to be two of the worst things i could do to keep me in the house all weekend!! Its quite crazy how quick things can change but on the flip side of that it can change back just as fast, well thats what I’m thinking. Iv been in most of the weekend and sitting around a lot now i know this is not good for me with tension and stiffness, iv had bones cracking all over the show, shoulders and back are killing, Iv been worrying about the lumps on my head again and a new thing this weekend iv been worrying about dehidration because know i don’t drink enough with all the sweating i do, then that led on to nutrition and not eating right blah blah blah…

How i feel today is shit and i can’t wait to go to bed and wake up to a new day tomorrow, Sunday nights iv dreaded since iv been ill and not working because i always got feeling that everyone will be off to work and il be sat here again on my own again. All i wanted was to be normal and do what everyone else did and its strange how without even thinking about it that came back. Suppose its like other stuff in life, when your looking you never find and things just pop up when unexpected. When i used to feel like this on a Sunday night the very thought of it would be enough to make me shit my pants and back in the negative cycle i went, now one thing that has changed and i feel this very strongly in myself is that at this point i now i no longer shit my pants(sorry for the swearing)but i have the really strong urge to try even harder to get back to reality!!! Don’t ask because i don’t know what changed it just did i have to be honest. Power of attraction people!!

Im going to keep it short and sweet tonight because i don’t want to get to down on myself before the start of a fantastic fresh new week were i will learn lots of new stuff and continue to power my recovery forward. Thoughts become things!! thats one thing iv learned over the bad times so that last sentence is what i shall be repeating to myself 10 times before i go bed tonight.

hope you all had a great weekend keep strong people!!!

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What a difference a week makes………..

Right so its friday night and I’m in bed at this time, sad i know but fact. This week has been very up and down since the wonder of last weekend, talk about getting back to reality with a boom!! So monday morning after the fun was over there was work to look forward to which was a long slog(send the most machines out in a day yet)and i also had all the van to unpack. First of all it was double funeral of my nans brother and his wife who was found dead in the house together, lived 60 years together and then both found very very sad. To top that off i got home to one of my dogs shitting blood so as you can imagine things were not good the start of the week.

As we moved into the week it did get better and back to normal very quickly but its been a tiring week all round. I feel a bit shit this weekend because its not going to be as good as last weekend but they can’t all be that good can they! Although iv been asked to go working away again to help set a massive stand up for the next show and you know what I’m going. its strange because i would never have entertained it about 6 month ago and I’m not even thinking about it now, but just as started to get better i promised myself one thing that i would say “YES” to any oppretuniuty that i came across and thats half the reason iv got this far, so the next adventure is London in a few weeks, bring it on!!

Just to go back to reason were al here iv been having some health concerns of my own just latley, i can stop worrying about my bowels i don’t know why but i can’t. I keep going over in my head what to do when the thoughts pop back in and its been a tough one this. also iv been worrying about a few lumps on my head that i sort of know are not to worry about but my health cogs have been turning this week. After the forward steps iv took i really don’t want to slip back to nothing again I’m actually starting to build as a person again.But I’m well aware of how quickly you can slip and thats one thing that keeps me motivated. I watched “the secret” again last night and the power that movie has is outrageous as soon as i got up this morning i felt better, i can’t mention this enough il put the video at the bottom of this post please have a watch.

Right I’m off for tonight keep strong and don’t give up people.

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First time iv had fun in 7 years and it feels great…. :)

I just don’t know where to start tonight iv got that much to say, but i will open with this. This weekend has been a MASSIVE forward movement again and iv managed to enjoy myself for the first time in a long long time now thats mental. Iv just realised this very weekend that Iv been doing lots of stuff wrong still and iv now got plans to move forward in my head again. right were to start? ok iv been to show called makerfaire this weekend with my new job its a show for all new tech 3d printers is part of it ,iv been stood on a stand in the middle of the life centre in newcastle with 1000s of people coming through to view our printers and ask LOTS of questions. I do the tech side of the work repairs printing ect so i have had to answer any tech stuff that popped up. Yes you herd right iv been talking to people iv never met all day for 8 hours and I’m feeling great after 3 days of it, I’m not sure what the hells going on but it feels great. Iv always told you all about the power of attraction that i believe in and this is it happening right now!! All the years of pain iv been through trying to pop through the surface of getting a little better and quite being able too, so many failed attempts and so much negativity. Iv never give up the whole 7 years of my illness iv tried so many times but iv never give up and I’m feeling so glad i didn’t right now. It feels fantastic 🙂

Right i had to drive down with a girl from work a few years younger than me and i was dreading this before i went never mind meeting loads of strangers, but it went really well. Iv been working with alice for a few months so i do know her and get on with her but it only turns out she was mental health worker before she came to printing. As you can imagine i felt miles better knowing that about talking about stuff and we did some talking, 2.5 hours flew on way there and on way back today. Iv had the best weekend iv had for a long long time my best mate is my boss and his misses is the other girl so there was no pressure at all.

We got down there on friday about 4pm and got the stand set up and as you can imagine straight to the pub with these 3. Do i let my hair down and have a drink like the rest of them or be that anxious withdrawn lad iv been for the last 7 years? “il have a pint of strongbow then go on” and thats were it started. Im not silly no more and I’m not going to get smashed out of my head. Why should i not have drink like everyone else in life? so i did and before i knew it it was time for bed. we went out both night with the most inspirational man ever. his name is phil case and he was invited to do a speech on our company behalf because he has hacked a printer of ours to help suit wheelchair users. Phil fell off a ladder 20 years ago and broke his neck he has one had and can only bare weight on one leg his project is all about helping wheelchair users with 3d printing. This guy totally blew me away he is on all sorts of drugs and he has a lot of health problems, now this guy does not feel sorry for himself he is loving his life and thats why we as a company really want to help him. We have loaned him a printer and the stuff he has done to it is outrageous but thats another post. Phil’s partner was from Prague and does everything for him she is an absolute belter i also got on with her early well. Phil did a talk for us for about 100 people about his project and they both loved it so that me feel great i love helping people where i can.

We started on sat morn at 10 and finished at 6 and i loved every minute of it I’m going to show you some vids now so you know how cooooooooooool it really is 🙂

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And here is a picture of our stall and we also won an award for best inventive stand 🙂

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Im not going to write much more tonight its been a roller coaster weekend and I’m tired for the first time in ages. I know my problems are turning around a little now but i also know it can all change very quickly. I say this all the time and if your right in the middle of your dark place right now please try and take away from my blog and at least believe you can do it as well. Don’t give up!!! You can feel better and will feel better i thought i would never get better again but i never gave up trying. If your struggling from some thing and need to share with me please feel free to message and have a chat. My health anxiety will never leave me thats something iv had to give in to its still there i can feel it like the devil inside waiting to pop up but I’m managing to deal with the daily living stuff and I’m hoping its going to get even better but I’m banking in nothing!!!!!!!

Iv got some good post coming this week writing is really helping me again at this point so why the hell not turn to my blog and share it.

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