Things got better but that blip of self doubt nearly got me………

Its been a funny old week but iv been in work and smashed it all week, the two new lads started and the lad working with me is quite good to be honest. After that little bit of self doubt last week i decided to keep my mouth shut and prove why I’m there!! and this is exactly what iv done, I’m even working at the weekend on a show thats local. I sat and thought for a while and realised that the best thing to do was just show them how good i am it rather than tell them. I will be honest and tell you that little bit of self doubt last week nearly sent me backwards i could feel that horrible little seed trying to poke through again but iv managed to stop it. A year ago it would have done a lot more to me but i really do feel iv grown as a person and that I’m learning once more to deal with life ups and downs.

Dinner time on Tuesday the boss made us sit down and have dinner with the new lads and asked to tell one tale about our time 3d printing so we all went round and come to me last and i was proud to stand up and tell them about how ill iv been and how far iv come on the last 6 months. I made sure i told them how bad i was and how if you never give you too can do the same and it felt great. I would never have done that again i thought but i was really proud of myself, bit gay but it felt good.

Im not going to write to much tonight but I’m going to leave you with a question we ask people at work in the interview for any job we put out please give me your 3 answers in a comment and think hard its not easy….If you could be stuck on a cloud with any 3 people in the world who, and why.?


That little bit of self-doubt is ten times worse with a health anxiety…

Hey guys not posted for ages but found a cheeky hour to sit and post now. Life has been going well for the last couple of months not without its ups and downs lets say but not to bad. The health anxiety stuff got pretty heavy again for about 2 weeks but iv managed to claw myself back! Although this weekend iv had a massive blip of self doubt and its really thrown me, it only takes a little bit of self doubt in this world when health anxiety is the problem and it soon gets worse. Iv been working really hard recently and feel like works been my life, i work for two of my best mates and the others i get on with really well to. My boss has arranged a trip to Amsterdam to show the team the new site of our suppliers and he has invited all the team but not me!! Its not the fact i want to go on the trip but its made me feel outcast from the team iv been working part of for 6 months, that little glimmer of self doubt has sent me insane, iv been thinking all sorts of stuff because of it

-Do they not think I’m working hard enough

-Im sure they don’t see me as pert of the team now

-Im now going to not enjoy the job as i have been

That self doubt has got a lot to answer for but only i can sort it out. I need to get up tomorrow and start the new day as just that! We have got two new recruits to the team starting this week from the local college so i need to get my game face back on. Now my job really does start to ask more of me from this week which is good but i need to get my head back in the game. I just hope i don’t go to work this week feeling like i do now because if you don’t feel part of the team then its hard work.

Right a little more on the health anxiety front, the last 6  months have been going at super speed in terms of smashing barriers and getting my life back and the recovery but stuff is starting to slip back into my head. Now iv not give my health any thought over the last months and I’m thinking this is a massive part of thing slipping back in, as of this Monday health is going to become my number one and work number two because thats just the way its got to be. Its so hard at the minute to find that balance but iv got to to keep going forward. When i think about where i was in life when i started this blog and how far iv come to get to today its amazing and makes me feel great but i need to not forget about the health anxiety!!


From one week to the next…..

Hey guys hope your all good and keeping strong I’m sorry to say that this week has been the worst iv had for ages, I’m sick to death of worrying about my health this week it probably seems worse because iv not done it for ages. Its crazy how it sneaks back in and before you know it your doing all wrong again. Im sick of worrying about my brain this week iv really been going through the mill with it, brain tumour iv been thinking about and its need to stop. Iv really seen it in my work this week iv been forgetting everything and its pissing me off, iv done so well since i started. Im still loving it but its so hard to work when your minds on other stuff. Iv been thinning about things to much this week like will i ever be able to truly enjoy myself again? will i work out what i need to do with my life? will i ever go out on a night out again and enjoy myself?

One thing i do know just from reading back what i just said is them questions I’m asking myself are all from a negaitve perspective and badgering a negative answer!! My brains been overworking all week on the wrong things and iv not slept more than 3 hours a night so a bad mix all round. Iv been getting up late feeling like shit all week at work and then squash at night has been shit due to this. Its mad how it only takes one thing to knock on to the next and it happens all day till you go bed, this my friends is the power of attraction but the bad side just like positive attracts positive, negative also attracts negative. This week can go and suck eggs and next week can’t come quick enough.

Iv mentioned this recently but iv not been eating properly and i know i don’t drink enough so I’m sure thats playing a massive part in the feeling crap as well, really need to start looking after myself better i do the exercise but the eating need to improve. Along side he brain worries iv also been worrying about the constant stomach pain i have and it doing my head in. I ran out tablets 2 days ago and iv just got them tonight which also makes me think how long will i be on these mind bending things? All in all its been a negative week but I’m sure everyone gets them its just tough when you get at yourself like we do. Ah well up and out with the dogs in the morning bit of fresh air always helps me.Keep strong guys chin up keep going 🙂


After the whirlwind few weeks comes the drop back to reality…..

So i sit here writing my blog tonight not even half as enthusiastic about life as i have been the last few weeks, iv sat in all bank holiday weekend thinking about the wrong things and its made me realise how infected my silly little brain is with heath worry. I don’t need to tell you the past few weeks have been fantastic and i feel quite a bit away from that again now. Lets get to the truth first iv been in drinking and watching tv got to be two of the worst things i could do to keep me in the house all weekend!! Its quite crazy how quick things can change but on the flip side of that it can change back just as fast, well thats what I’m thinking. Iv been in most of the weekend and sitting around a lot now i know this is not good for me with tension and stiffness, iv had bones cracking all over the show, shoulders and back are killing, Iv been worrying about the lumps on my head again and a new thing this weekend iv been worrying about dehidration because know i don’t drink enough with all the sweating i do, then that led on to nutrition and not eating right blah blah blah…

How i feel today is shit and i can’t wait to go to bed and wake up to a new day tomorrow, Sunday nights iv dreaded since iv been ill and not working because i always got feeling that everyone will be off to work and il be sat here again on my own again. All i wanted was to be normal and do what everyone else did and its strange how without even thinking about it that came back. Suppose its like other stuff in life, when your looking you never find and things just pop up when unexpected. When i used to feel like this on a Sunday night the very thought of it would be enough to make me shit my pants and back in the negative cycle i went, now one thing that has changed and i feel this very strongly in myself is that at this point i now i no longer shit my pants(sorry for the swearing)but i have the really strong urge to try even harder to get back to reality!!! Don’t ask because i don’t know what changed it just did i have to be honest. Power of attraction people!!

Im going to keep it short and sweet tonight because i don’t want to get to down on myself before the start of a fantastic fresh new week were i will learn lots of new stuff and continue to power my recovery forward. Thoughts become things!! thats one thing iv learned over the bad times so that last sentence is what i shall be repeating to myself 10 times before i go bed tonight.

hope you all had a great weekend keep strong people!!!